Strength Will Rise

I've heard people say that their pregnancies seemed like they lasted forever, but mine has seemed to fly by at mach speed. However, I'm now in my third trimester, and even though I'll hear my son's first cries in three or so months, I've heard this stage produces some of the longest days of a woman's life.

Patience.

I can't say that this has all been a bed of roses. Seeing my body change the way it has, and having to put parts of my life that I love to the side for a while has been a little emotionally straining to the say the least. When you come from a background like mine, one stabilized in "safe" routines that keep me on the straight and narrow, it's hard to let those things loose and let your baby and his health lead the way.

One of those routines is running. I took up running two years ago because I set a goal to run a 5k. I had no idea it would stick with me and become a part of my identity, though. Much to my dismay, twenty-three weeks into my pregnancy, I started having some pains, and running became questionable. I had to make the decision to stop, and that has been one of the hardest decisions I've had to make since running has become like a best friend to me. I have gotten used to setting goals and meeting them, and I wouldn't trade anything for the friendships I've made along the way. Running has also helped me feel strong and empowered in a way that prevents me from having to rely on a number to determine my worth. Even though it's hard to admit, letting go of things that have a power over us in any capacity is hard to do--even when it's for something so important as pregnancy.

Similarly, (although I hate to compare the two in any context) just a few years ago I was still trying to hold on to another "power" that was anything but powerful; it was detrimental to my health. Like so many others who have struggled with eating and weight issues, my control and power issues over food and weight lingered inside my mind--and even my soul--up until about three years ago when God gave me the power to finally let them go. When something is a part of your identity for over a decade, it's hard to let that section of yourself loose because you don't know who you are without it. However, I had gotten so desperate, I was more than willing to venture out into the unknown and witness what a new life could bring me, and luckily, it turned my life around for the better.

Even though certain parts of my life have changed, and even though I'm not 100 percent in control of my body and what happens to it anymore, I would much rather take this lack of "power" any time over dealing with the power I used to think I had and didn't. 

All transitions are difficult, but with God's guiding hand and a patient, receptive heart, we can get through anything that might rock our boats. Isaiah 40:21 says: "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."

This verse means more to me now than it ever has, and I hope you find a way to apply it to your life, as well.

Weight-gain Anxieties (Featured on Finding Balance)

Now that I am reaching my fifteenth week of pregnancy, it seems that everything is changing. Nothing fits right at all, and I'm fearfully counting down the days to where all of these tricks I've been using to fit into my clothes stop working altogether. I feel as if my body is changing every day! Meanwhile, my brain resembles a circus act, and my head aches at least once or twice a week. Thankfully, the nausea is dwindling down, but I've been having some trouble finding comfortable sleeping positions during the night. I'm a stomach sleeper, so obviously, this will have to come to an end. Plus, I've read that I'm not supposed to lie on my back once I reach sixteen weeks! This is all too much. You take away my coffee, and now I can't sleep on my belly...or back? Ouch. Pregnancy has its issues, but I'm constantly reassured by mothers all around that after the baby is here, I'll realize that it will have all been worth it ten times over.

My biggest struggles, however, have been mental. I am eating daily amounts of calories that used to resemble binges from my past. Because I run, I eat more than the average person to begin with, but now I'm eating every one or two hours, and I have to admit, it's a little daunting; my stomach growls every hour! I'm not weighing myself, and I'm not writing down what I eat in a journal, but sometimes late at night on instinct, I'll tally up my calories for the day in my head. I don't do this every night, but when I do, it usually depresses me. Why do we do this to ourselves? I know I'm not the only one. Even though I made a promise that I wouldn't weigh myself or keep track of what I eat, I'm still finding those mechanisms that allow me to keep a watch on myself...even if it's in a subtle, sneaky way. According to the books, I'm told I need to eat healthfully and monitor my daily intake, but when you have had experiences such as I have had, when does it reach a breaking point? I don't want to let the baby down by breaking my own rules--rules that have, so far, kept me from losing sight of what matters the most.

Maybe it's the fear of my doctor telling me that I need to slow down and watch what I'm eating...

Telling a woman who has had eating and weight issues that she is gaining too much weight is like throwing a match on a puddle of gasoline.

Or maybe it's the way I'll appear to my husband...

I don't want him to worry about the way I'll look after it's all over and done with. What will he think of me?

And maybe it's my fear of people looking at me like they looked at certain celebrities during their pregnancies. 

Take Jessica Simpson for example. I'm still in awe at how people criticized her during her pregnancy. She never seemed to let it get to her, though. She was always glowing and appeared to be enjoying each and every moment.

Maybe it's just a little bit of everything.

It's obvious that I'm allowing self-loathing to slowly creep back into my life, and it's imperative that I find a way to ease it out just as quickly as it eased itself in. Thankfully, my husband helps me out in this area. If it wasn't for his support, I don't know what I'd do. He could care less about what I look like at this point--he simply wants a healthy, happy baby, and I can't say I disagree with his thinking. If only I could adopt his simple way of looking at things, I wouldn't let fear clog up my brain like I have been letting it the past few weeks. And most importantly, God knows we have worries and anxieties. We wouldn't need him if we didn't. But in order to be set free from what binds us, we have to give ourselves up to him and believe that through our faith, we will receive the comfort and peace He so greatly promises us.  Psalms 55:22 states: "Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved." What comfort we can receive from such a poignant verse! It doesn't matter how great or small our worries and fears are. He will keep us covered in His shield of protection as long as we have faith to believe it's there!

Pregnancy Transitions (Featured on Finding Balance)

Pregnancy has opened a whole new world to me, and many transitions are beginning to take shape right in front of my eyes. For example, this past week I got to feel those first pangs of worry and dread that all moms have felt at least once (more like once a week) in their lives. Some kind of sickness came over me, and I was scared to death. I was in all kinds of pain; plus, I had those pesky nausea symptoms that come along with any stomach virus. I had to have an emergency sonogram and IV at the local hospital's emergency room because the doctors were a little concerned. The baby was fine, but I? I had a horrible case of gastroenteritis...a.k.a. a stomach bug. It took almost a week to get over, too. Let's just say that my newly weakened immune system is a war zone! I'm taking my prenatal vitamins, eating lots of fruit and fortified cereals, and drinking fortified orange juice and milk by the cup, but I still had to get sick. I might as well as just cover myself in hand sanitizer and call it a day.

The next big transition that has come to take over my sanity is growing out of my clothes. I'm not crazy; I know that my belly is going to continue to grow. It's just...how soon is this going to happen? Most newly expectant moms can't wait to show off the first signs of life growing inside of them, but I, on the other hand, am a little terrified of this transition. It's not really what you might think. I'm not entirely afraid of the extra weight that is inevitably going to show up at my monthly prenatal appointments. I'm afraid of not having anything to wear!

Here lately, I have been browsing on over to some maternity clothing websites just to check them out. I've come to one conclusion: Maternity clothing is expensive. Since I'm a teacher, I have to dress up pretty much every day of the week, so I'm really going to have to improvise and find ways to have a variety of things to wear and to stay thrifty all at the same time. This is going to prove to be difficult...I just know it. Here in about a month, I won't be able to zip any zippers or button any button holes. I've read about some tricks to handle these situations, but what then? What will I do when I have to splurge and actually go shopping? Why spend so much on clothes you won't end up wearing for long? Call it frustrated or just plain confused.

Finally, the biggest transition of all is not really feeling like myself. Even though I have felt more energetic and less nauseous since I got sick last week, I still feel "off" a lot. Not feeling like myself is pretty exhausting. If it's not being able to eat the normal foods I love, it's not being able to stay as active as I used to be, and if it's not growing out of my clothes, it's dealing with my new susceptibility to every sickness floating around the school. Will I ever feel normal again?

As of today, I am now in my tenth week of pregnancy, and even though life has already changed a great deal, and although things will continue to change, I know one thing. It is getting better, and I'm beginning to learn to deal. My sweet bundle of joy was created for a reason, and I can't wait to see his or her purpose unfold right in front of me each and every day for as long as I live. Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, "To every thing there is a season, and a time for every purpose under the heaven." It's so incredible to know that God already knows what important role my little one is going to play on this earth. With that, any transition is worth the change!

Great Expectations (Featured on Finding Balance)

I hate that it has been this long since I've last written, but this summer was full of lots of change and new beginnings. We had two weddings in the family and twice as many birthdays. Heath and I were blessed with the opportunity to go on two vacations, also. We  hiked up Mt. LeConte in the Smokies for our anniversary in June, and in July, we went out West and did some exploring in the Rocky Mountain National Park. We also got to see the Badlands and Mt. Rushmore. We had a beautiful, special time.

My husband and I have been blessed to be with each other for nearly nine years--over four of them being married, and I believe that God has given us these years to learn about each other and have time to really relax and have fun. Well, God has us a family in the works now. Yep, we're expecting! We should expect our little one in May--a perfect time for my husband and me, as we are teachers. We'll have all summer to get to know him/her and figure out what in the world we're doing.

Telling our families was a joy, especially with our seven-year-old niece. She didn't believe us at first, but when it started sinking in, she couldn't take her eyes off of my stomach. She kept asking, "Is there really a baby in there?" It was precious.

All of this attention is taking its toll on me. I have fears about showing too early or too late, and I also have this dreadful feeling that people are going to be monitoring every ounce of food that goes into my mouth and every single pound I gain. As if I'm trying not to be obsessed with it myself!

I'll be honest: I don't know what I'm doing. I have read a couple of books, but I'm still a little unsure about the next eight months...ok...make that mega unsure. However, I know God has a reason for us to be blessed with this new adventure, and this and only this calms me down. Psalms 34:8 says "O taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in Him." Whenever we're unsure, or when we doubt ourselves and our capabilities, God's ultimate plan steps in and proves us wrong.

Even in our most confused, stressed, unsure, and uneasy moments,  we'll never go off course when the Lord is steering our ships. What a beautiful promise in which to start off a beautiful new life!

Hello or Goodbye?

For me, this time of year has always evoked a sense of finality. Too many endings take place at the end of a school year: graduations, the dismissal of classes whom I grown to love as a teacher and mentor, and my birthday. With all of these transitions taking place, I'm often left with a nagging void that forces me to reflect on all of the decisions, choices, and actions I made throughout the year, and if you haven't noticed, reflecting isn't always easy. Sometimes we're made to acknowledge mistakes, insecurities--maybe even a little regret--that we would rather like to stay hidden. Oh, if it were only that easy. In my case, I wonder if I did my job to the best of my ability. Did I let any relationships fall by the wayside? Did I grow in my marriage, and most importantly, did I grow more disciplined in God's Word? Just when I feel as if I've answered the questions from the past year, I'm bombarded with the fears of the future. What's next? What will my students be like this next year? Is there anything that needs to be changed, revamped? What will I set out to accomplish, and how will I become a better person in this new year of life?

Similarly, I can remember being bogged down with the feelings of fear and anxiety I dealt with as I was slowly (yet surely) saying goodbye to my old ways of eating and viewing my outward appearance. I was confused and unsure of how I was going to handle myself without my routines and habits to cushion my fall that I would undoubtedly need at some point in time. However, through God's unyielding favor, His constant protection, and His unwavering love and patience, He used something new to help me say goodbye to something that was keeping me from growing. Thankfully, He allowed me to get to a place where I could finally plant my feet and stand with confidence.

With all of these feelings of reflection from the past year, and with all of the fears of the next year flooding my mind, I'm reminded of one of my favorite promises from the Lord: "For I know the thoughts I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil to give you an expected end." (Jeremiah 29:11) This verse and the following verses reassure us that God has a plan for us, and that when we search for His guidance, He will always show up and provide us with the answers we need. See, goodbyes aren't that scary, and the unknown of the future is nothing to be afraid of. If God has brought us out of the dark places before, He will do it again.
Goodbyes are merely hellos in disguise!

Throwing Back the Pearl

As an English teacher and book lover, I thoroughly enjoy reading the classics of literature. One of the books I read this month was John Steinbeck's The Pearl. By looking at the size of the book, you wouldn't expect to come away with having learned a valuable lesson, but that's exactly what happens. I learned a lesson that could basically make every problem I will ever face vaporize into thin air if I utilize its principles.

The story begins with exposing the simple, everyday goings-on of a poor Mexican family just coming to life. Kino and his wife, Juana, have a small baby, Coyotito. They truly relish the simplicity of life: the smells of cooking corn cakes, the sight of the sun rising and setting each day, and the sound of their son cooing and gurgling.

The conflict arises when Coyotito gets stung by a scorpion. They are aware of the risk of death if a doctor isn't seen right away. As a result, they head into town knowing that they don't have enough money to see the doctor; nevertheless, they're hopeful the doctor will sympathize with them and treat their son. The doctor, pompous and arrogant, will have nothing to do with them, however. Kino, frustrated and determined to help his son, heads out into the sea to find a pearl that will fund his son's healing and recovery. Surprisingly, Kino finds a giant pearl--a pearl no one else has ever been fortunate enough to behold. This pearl seems to embody the power to answer any questions Kino has ever had about his life. His son will now be able to go to school, he and his wife will now have new clothes, and any other need in his life will now be met.

The townspeople are now in a state of commotion, chaos, and jealously, and the pearl buyers, who have already heard of the great pearl and its beauty, are in conspiracy with each other, refusing to buy the pearl for what it's worth. Moreover, even though the baby has healed on his own, the doctor pretends that something is still wrong with him. He gives the baby something to make him sick just so he will have to heal him--all for money. To make matters worse, thieves hunt for the pearl in the middle of the night, putting Kino and his family in serious danger. Kino even ends up killing someone over the pearl. The entire time this has been transpiring, Juana has been the voice of reason. Continuously, she attempts to persuade Kino to throw back the pearl, but he refuses. One night, he catches her on her way to the ocean to throw it back, and he hits her. His family is officially tearing apart. As a consequence from all of these events, he and his family are forced to run away.

Thirsty, tired, hungry, and dirty, the family is hunted as they climb the dry, deserted mountains to a place of safety. They are eventually hunted down, however, and the baby pays the ultimate price for his father's greed.

After reading this book, my mother said that she had read this in high school. This just goes to prove that the lesson in The Pearl is timeless and that we can translate its message into every avenue of our lives. For instance, I thought of my former eating and weight issues in relation to this lesson. At one time, I achieved a weight I thought would bring me the peace and happiness I had desired for years. Oddly enough, that peace and happiness was never satisfied, and because of it, I lost relationships, my strength, my personality, my hopes, my dreams...it stripped me of life. I lived this way until I made a decision: a decision to throw back my pearl.

Sometimes it's necessary--crucial, even--to throw back our "pearls." It's one of the hardest things we will ever be faced with because it doesn't make sense. When we make ourselves believe that all of our problems will be squelched if ________ happens, it's difficult to believe life could be great in any other capacity. More often than not, however, we search our entire lives for a pearl, not knowing that we often find more than what we bargained for in the process.

In short, love, as sacred and as pure as it truly is, is all we need to live happy, successful lives. God gave us His ultimate example, and if we model ourselves after it, we will always have provision.

Living Blessed

You've truly reached your dreams when you can look at your life and find that what you have is enough.