My Story

For many years, I had a lot of unanswered questions. I would ask God on a daily basis about why I was here, why I looked the way I looked, why I couldn't excel in the areas where it really counted, and why I couldn't make and keep lasting friendships. In truth, I simply felt like I was supposed to be born at a different time or grow up in another place. Belonging wasn't ever going to be an option for me. God had told me to wait on him to reveal his purpose for my life, but like most all adolescents, I couldn't wait. I needed something to change right then.

A lot of people might look at my life and think I was selfish for carrying on this way, (I can agree with this to an extent.) but what you set up in your brain to be true is just that--true. If you believe you're overweight, unattractive, untalented, inept, and a waste of space, that's what you'll be. As adolescents, of course, problems with peers and family can be a catalyst to bringing this mentality into its true form. When it comes down to how we feel about ourselves after these life experiences occur, however, it's all up to us to make that decision, and that's where I messed up.

For years, I let a number on a scale, a size on a pair of jeans, and comments from my peers define my identity only because I didn't think the real me would ever measure up. It was a truth for me that this would be where my respect and validation would need to come from, so I yo-yo dieted for years and forever sealed my fate as a chronic dieter. Whether I was eating too little, eating too much, over-exercising, taking diet pills, or finding ways to get rid of my food, I developed a serious issue with food, and the fact that I couldn't be perfect at an eating disorder ate away at my soul. My problem wasn't really with food; it was with me. I just used food (like some might use drugs or alcohol) because I had attached certain feelings and emotions to it over the course of my life.

From the time I was in the fourth grade, I've had these issues. People watched from the outside, but I never really got their attention until I became underweight. Ironically, I was probably my most out of control when I was at a healthy weight, but most people can't understand this. As you can guess, EDNOS (eating disorders not otherwise specified) is a very important cause to me. People can be living in the very throes of eating-disordered agony for years and not get help because they haven't been diagnosed with either anorexia or bulimia. I spent around eight years of my life living this way, and only a fraction of it qualified for a diagnosis.

My goal is to be a voice of reason for each and every soul out there living in a prison of their own truths. I believe true recovery comes from discovering what we need to get rid of in our lives and what we need to start incorporating. In other words, we have to learn how to lead disciplined, proactive lives. Yes, these two things can coexist.  It's all about balancing our goals and dreams with the real truth and its stark reality. The only way we can find truth is if we seek out God's purpose for our lives. Only then will we know what recovery feels like, and only then will we know what true freedom is.