Weight-gain Anxieties (Featured on Finding Balance)

Now that I am reaching my fifteenth week of pregnancy, it seems that everything is changing. Nothing fits right at all, and I'm fearfully counting down the days to where all of these tricks I've been using to fit into my clothes stop working altogether. I feel as if my body is changing every day! Meanwhile, my brain resembles a circus act, and my head aches at least once or twice a week. Thankfully, the nausea is dwindling down, but I've been having some trouble finding comfortable sleeping positions during the night. I'm a stomach sleeper, so obviously, this will have to come to an end. Plus, I've read that I'm not supposed to lie on my back once I reach sixteen weeks! This is all too much. You take away my coffee, and now I can't sleep on my belly...or back? Ouch. Pregnancy has its issues, but I'm constantly reassured by mothers all around that after the baby is here, I'll realize that it will have all been worth it ten times over.

My biggest struggles, however, have been mental. I am eating daily amounts of calories that used to resemble binges from my past. Because I run, I eat more than the average person to begin with, but now I'm eating every one or two hours, and I have to admit, it's a little daunting; my stomach growls every hour! I'm not weighing myself, and I'm not writing down what I eat in a journal, but sometimes late at night on instinct, I'll tally up my calories for the day in my head. I don't do this every night, but when I do, it usually depresses me. Why do we do this to ourselves? I know I'm not the only one. Even though I made a promise that I wouldn't weigh myself or keep track of what I eat, I'm still finding those mechanisms that allow me to keep a watch on myself...even if it's in a subtle, sneaky way. According to the books, I'm told I need to eat healthfully and monitor my daily intake, but when you have had experiences such as I have had, when does it reach a breaking point? I don't want to let the baby down by breaking my own rules--rules that have, so far, kept me from losing sight of what matters the most.

Maybe it's the fear of my doctor telling me that I need to slow down and watch what I'm eating...

Telling a woman who has had eating and weight issues that she is gaining too much weight is like throwing a match on a puddle of gasoline.

Or maybe it's the way I'll appear to my husband...

I don't want him to worry about the way I'll look after it's all over and done with. What will he think of me?

And maybe it's my fear of people looking at me like they looked at certain celebrities during their pregnancies. 

Take Jessica Simpson for example. I'm still in awe at how people criticized her during her pregnancy. She never seemed to let it get to her, though. She was always glowing and appeared to be enjoying each and every moment.

Maybe it's just a little bit of everything.

It's obvious that I'm allowing self-loathing to slowly creep back into my life, and it's imperative that I find a way to ease it out just as quickly as it eased itself in. Thankfully, my husband helps me out in this area. If it wasn't for his support, I don't know what I'd do. He could care less about what I look like at this point--he simply wants a healthy, happy baby, and I can't say I disagree with his thinking. If only I could adopt his simple way of looking at things, I wouldn't let fear clog up my brain like I have been letting it the past few weeks. And most importantly, God knows we have worries and anxieties. We wouldn't need him if we didn't. But in order to be set free from what binds us, we have to give ourselves up to him and believe that through our faith, we will receive the comfort and peace He so greatly promises us.  Psalms 55:22 states: "Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved." What comfort we can receive from such a poignant verse! It doesn't matter how great or small our worries and fears are. He will keep us covered in His shield of protection as long as we have faith to believe it's there!

Pregnancy Transitions (Featured on Finding Balance)

Pregnancy has opened a whole new world to me, and many transitions are beginning to take shape right in front of my eyes. For example, this past week I got to feel those first pangs of worry and dread that all moms have felt at least once (more like once a week) in their lives. Some kind of sickness came over me, and I was scared to death. I was in all kinds of pain; plus, I had those pesky nausea symptoms that come along with any stomach virus. I had to have an emergency sonogram and IV at the local hospital's emergency room because the doctors were a little concerned. The baby was fine, but I? I had a horrible case of gastroenteritis...a.k.a. a stomach bug. It took almost a week to get over, too. Let's just say that my newly weakened immune system is a war zone! I'm taking my prenatal vitamins, eating lots of fruit and fortified cereals, and drinking fortified orange juice and milk by the cup, but I still had to get sick. I might as well as just cover myself in hand sanitizer and call it a day.

The next big transition that has come to take over my sanity is growing out of my clothes. I'm not crazy; I know that my belly is going to continue to grow. It's just...how soon is this going to happen? Most newly expectant moms can't wait to show off the first signs of life growing inside of them, but I, on the other hand, am a little terrified of this transition. It's not really what you might think. I'm not entirely afraid of the extra weight that is inevitably going to show up at my monthly prenatal appointments. I'm afraid of not having anything to wear!

Here lately, I have been browsing on over to some maternity clothing websites just to check them out. I've come to one conclusion: Maternity clothing is expensive. Since I'm a teacher, I have to dress up pretty much every day of the week, so I'm really going to have to improvise and find ways to have a variety of things to wear and to stay thrifty all at the same time. This is going to prove to be difficult...I just know it. Here in about a month, I won't be able to zip any zippers or button any button holes. I've read about some tricks to handle these situations, but what then? What will I do when I have to splurge and actually go shopping? Why spend so much on clothes you won't end up wearing for long? Call it frustrated or just plain confused.

Finally, the biggest transition of all is not really feeling like myself. Even though I have felt more energetic and less nauseous since I got sick last week, I still feel "off" a lot. Not feeling like myself is pretty exhausting. If it's not being able to eat the normal foods I love, it's not being able to stay as active as I used to be, and if it's not growing out of my clothes, it's dealing with my new susceptibility to every sickness floating around the school. Will I ever feel normal again?

As of today, I am now in my tenth week of pregnancy, and even though life has already changed a great deal, and although things will continue to change, I know one thing. It is getting better, and I'm beginning to learn to deal. My sweet bundle of joy was created for a reason, and I can't wait to see his or her purpose unfold right in front of me each and every day for as long as I live. Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, "To every thing there is a season, and a time for every purpose under the heaven." It's so incredible to know that God already knows what important role my little one is going to play on this earth. With that, any transition is worth the change!

Great Expectations (Featured on Finding Balance)

I hate that it has been this long since I've last written, but this summer was full of lots of change and new beginnings. We had two weddings in the family and twice as many birthdays. Heath and I were blessed with the opportunity to go on two vacations, also. We  hiked up Mt. LeConte in the Smokies for our anniversary in June, and in July, we went out West and did some exploring in the Rocky Mountain National Park. We also got to see the Badlands and Mt. Rushmore. We had a beautiful, special time.

My husband and I have been blessed to be with each other for nearly nine years--over four of them being married, and I believe that God has given us these years to learn about each other and have time to really relax and have fun. Well, God has us a family in the works now. Yep, we're expecting! We should expect our little one in May--a perfect time for my husband and me, as we are teachers. We'll have all summer to get to know him/her and figure out what in the world we're doing.

Telling our families was a joy, especially with our seven-year-old niece. She didn't believe us at first, but when it started sinking in, she couldn't take her eyes off of my stomach. She kept asking, "Is there really a baby in there?" It was precious.

All of this attention is taking its toll on me. I have fears about showing too early or too late, and I also have this dreadful feeling that people are going to be monitoring every ounce of food that goes into my mouth and every single pound I gain. As if I'm trying not to be obsessed with it myself!

I'll be honest: I don't know what I'm doing. I have read a couple of books, but I'm still a little unsure about the next eight months...ok...make that mega unsure. However, I know God has a reason for us to be blessed with this new adventure, and this and only this calms me down. Psalms 34:8 says "O taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in Him." Whenever we're unsure, or when we doubt ourselves and our capabilities, God's ultimate plan steps in and proves us wrong.

Even in our most confused, stressed, unsure, and uneasy moments,  we'll never go off course when the Lord is steering our ships. What a beautiful promise in which to start off a beautiful new life!

Hello or Goodbye?

For me, this time of year has always evoked a sense of finality. Too many endings take place at the end of a school year: graduations, the dismissal of classes whom I grown to love as a teacher and mentor, and my birthday. With all of these transitions taking place, I'm often left with a nagging void that forces me to reflect on all of the decisions, choices, and actions I made throughout the year, and if you haven't noticed, reflecting isn't always easy. Sometimes we're made to acknowledge mistakes, insecurities--maybe even a little regret--that we would rather like to stay hidden. Oh, if it were only that easy. In my case, I wonder if I did my job to the best of my ability. Did I let any relationships fall by the wayside? Did I grow in my marriage, and most importantly, did I grow more disciplined in God's Word? Just when I feel as if I've answered the questions from the past year, I'm bombarded with the fears of the future. What's next? What will my students be like this next year? Is there anything that needs to be changed, revamped? What will I set out to accomplish, and how will I become a better person in this new year of life?

Similarly, I can remember being bogged down with the feelings of fear and anxiety I dealt with as I was slowly (yet surely) saying goodbye to my old ways of eating and viewing my outward appearance. I was confused and unsure of how I was going to handle myself without my routines and habits to cushion my fall that I would undoubtedly need at some point in time. However, through God's unyielding favor, His constant protection, and His unwavering love and patience, He used something new to help me say goodbye to something that was keeping me from growing. Thankfully, He allowed me to get to a place where I could finally plant my feet and stand with confidence.

With all of these feelings of reflection from the past year, and with all of the fears of the next year flooding my mind, I'm reminded of one of my favorite promises from the Lord: "For I know the thoughts I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil to give you an expected end." (Jeremiah 29:11) This verse and the following verses reassure us that God has a plan for us, and that when we search for His guidance, He will always show up and provide us with the answers we need. See, goodbyes aren't that scary, and the unknown of the future is nothing to be afraid of. If God has brought us out of the dark places before, He will do it again.
Goodbyes are merely hellos in disguise!

Throwing Back the Pearl

As an English teacher and book lover, I thoroughly enjoy reading the classics of literature. One of the books I read this month was John Steinbeck's The Pearl. By looking at the size of the book, you wouldn't expect to come away with having learned a valuable lesson, but that's exactly what happens. I learned a lesson that could basically make every problem I will ever face vaporize into thin air if I utilize its principles.

The story begins with exposing the simple, everyday goings-on of a poor Mexican family just coming to life. Kino and his wife, Juana, have a small baby, Coyotito. They truly relish the simplicity of life: the smells of cooking corn cakes, the sight of the sun rising and setting each day, and the sound of their son cooing and gurgling.

The conflict arises when Coyotito gets stung by a scorpion. They are aware of the risk of death if a doctor isn't seen right away. As a result, they head into town knowing that they don't have enough money to see the doctor; nevertheless, they're hopeful the doctor will sympathize with them and treat their son. The doctor, pompous and arrogant, will have nothing to do with them, however. Kino, frustrated and determined to help his son, heads out into the sea to find a pearl that will fund his son's healing and recovery. Surprisingly, Kino finds a giant pearl--a pearl no one else has ever been fortunate enough to behold. This pearl seems to embody the power to answer any questions Kino has ever had about his life. His son will now be able to go to school, he and his wife will now have new clothes, and any other need in his life will now be met.

The townspeople are now in a state of commotion, chaos, and jealously, and the pearl buyers, who have already heard of the great pearl and its beauty, are in conspiracy with each other, refusing to buy the pearl for what it's worth. Moreover, even though the baby has healed on his own, the doctor pretends that something is still wrong with him. He gives the baby something to make him sick just so he will have to heal him--all for money. To make matters worse, thieves hunt for the pearl in the middle of the night, putting Kino and his family in serious danger. Kino even ends up killing someone over the pearl. The entire time this has been transpiring, Juana has been the voice of reason. Continuously, she attempts to persuade Kino to throw back the pearl, but he refuses. One night, he catches her on her way to the ocean to throw it back, and he hits her. His family is officially tearing apart. As a consequence from all of these events, he and his family are forced to run away.

Thirsty, tired, hungry, and dirty, the family is hunted as they climb the dry, deserted mountains to a place of safety. They are eventually hunted down, however, and the baby pays the ultimate price for his father's greed.

After reading this book, my mother said that she had read this in high school. This just goes to prove that the lesson in The Pearl is timeless and that we can translate its message into every avenue of our lives. For instance, I thought of my former eating and weight issues in relation to this lesson. At one time, I achieved a weight I thought would bring me the peace and happiness I had desired for years. Oddly enough, that peace and happiness was never satisfied, and because of it, I lost relationships, my strength, my personality, my hopes, my dreams...it stripped me of life. I lived this way until I made a decision: a decision to throw back my pearl.

Sometimes it's necessary--crucial, even--to throw back our "pearls." It's one of the hardest things we will ever be faced with because it doesn't make sense. When we make ourselves believe that all of our problems will be squelched if ________ happens, it's difficult to believe life could be great in any other capacity. More often than not, however, we search our entire lives for a pearl, not knowing that we often find more than what we bargained for in the process.

In short, love, as sacred and as pure as it truly is, is all we need to live happy, successful lives. God gave us His ultimate example, and if we model ourselves after it, we will always have provision.

Living Blessed

You've truly reached your dreams when you can look at your life and find that what you have is enough.

Back to the Basics (Featured on FB)

It seems like for the greater portion of my life, I strove and fought to get to the place where I could finally say This is where I'm supposed to be.  I kept waiting on life to raise that white flag and say, "Alright. You found me!" What I learned, however, is that this "place" we strive so hard to get to is like a mirage. Sometimes we think we can see a glimpse of it forming before us, but the closer we get to it, the quicker it dissolves into thin air and replaces itself with a new vision.

Has it always been this way? Have we always been a people who are never satisfied, who are always searching for more? Was there ever a time when people just lived?

These questions truly began to develop last week while my husband and I were backpacking on Mt. LeConte, the second largest mountain in Tennessee's Great Smoky Mountains. With only a mile or so left of the trail to climb, it started to snow, and as we ascended, the weather grew colder, and the snow fell stronger and more blustery than I had ever witnessed before. As we stood there on a ledge waiting out the storm, it truly felt as if we were trapped in a blizzard. My clothes were getting wet, my hands were becoming icicles, and my spirits were dampening by the minute. Obviously, getting to my destination and getting warm were my primary concerns; all of my other worries had seemed to vanish.

Once on top of the mountain, we took refuge in the dining hall and lodge, sipping hot cocoa and resting by the gas-lit heaters. We found ourselves staring out of the window, growing increasingly more aware of the cold night in the shelter that lay before us, and as daylight slowly diminished and a icy, bleak darkness swept over the mountain, I began to think about the people who used to inhabit those mountains hundreds of years ago. They weren't worried about how many calories they consumed, how high they could climb up the corporate ladder, or how shiny their new cars were. They weren't constantly attached to cell phones or continuously checking their social-networking accounts. They focused on what was real, and reality for these people was family...and survival. We, on the contrary, live lives where failure isn't an option, where the amount of choices we have is incalculable, and where stress is a natural part of life. In sum, we live in an easy world that we choose to make difficult.

While the wind howled through the fir trees, and the first signs of sleep finally began to settle in, I realized that all it takes is getting out of our comfort zones--even for just a day--to really make us feel alive and human. Simply take us out of our element for a moment, and we will find ourselves falling back into a pattern mimicking that of a child: yearning to be warm, fed, held, dry, and clean. Everything else--all the noise that drowns out what truly matters in life--no longer remains a concern. Miraculously, the little problems that used to plague us no longer seem so important, and the little things we used to overlook now seem so precious and beautiful.

We are all guilty of forgetting how to live with the innocence of a child,  but learning to live a little simpler will allow us to truly grasp what love really means. Moreover, it will give us a broader view of the world around us, helping us to prioritize what really counts. Living a slower, simpler life can help connect us with our desire to feel safe...human...loved. This desire is what sets us apart from everything else; it's what the human soul craves the most. It's what makes being human so special.

As we hiked down the mountain the next day, the sun shone brightly, and the formerly snow-laden tree boughs revealed blooms that would blossom within a few, short days. It seemed as if we had been transplanted to another season. Life is like that sometimes. Below the surface of all of our stresses, headaches, and problems, something special is taking shape just for us. We need only to calm our minds, listen for God's still voice, and truly learn to let go of those things that incessantly burden us.

The snow storms of life don't have to stop us from living. The sun will rise again, and with that, we have peace.

Social Networking: Friend or Foe?

The beginning...

I can remember when the Internet really started booming in the nineties and finally crossed the thresholds into our very own homes. People said that it was a "wave of the future" and that it would create a way for the world to communicate by the click of a mouse. People could meet others with similar interests, stay in touch with out-of-town family members and friends, get business done, play Solitaire, and look up research in an online encyclopedia all at the same time. Unfortunately, we soon found out that there was a negative side to the Internet, what with the insane (and very explicit) amounts of junk mail that poured into our mailboxes each and every day, the annoying pop-ups that littered our screens, and the time it actually took to access the Web as a whole. However, we were sold. It didn't take us long to realize that the old-fashioned way we used to manage our lives had soon become an afterthought.

Sometimes, it's possible to become too connected. 

If the Internet and its wealth of knowledge wasn't enough to keep us all in a trance, the social network (in all its forms) quickly changed the way our lives function altogether. My first experience with social networking probably began with America Online (AOL) chat rooms. My friends and I used to log into these and talk to people all over the country. We thought it was the most awesome thing we had ever encountered. What was even cooler, however, was the fact that we got to talk to each other via instant messenger without even picking up the telephone. Now, that was cool. If you would've told me then that there would be cell phones that sent messages--and better yet--talked to you (Yes, Siri, I'm talking about you.), I would've called you crazy for sure. And if you would've told me that there would be a hub where millions of people could connect, reconnect, upload pictures, and post their every moves, I would've laughed at you and wondered why anyone would ever want to do that. Well, now I know. When Facebook finally came around in 2004, it was my first year of college. I was enrolled at The University of Alabama, and all of my new coworkers and friends were tapped into this conduit of social effervescence. Truthfully, I simply thought it was a fancy way to meet people (a.k.a. dating service), and I had no desire for that. Hence, I kept my distance. Two years later, on the other hand, I signed up and haven't looked back since.

We've come a long way since then, and although we can all agree that the Internet and social networks suck up our time in copious amounts, we would be foolish to say that they haven't infiltrated every area of our lives. There isn't a day that goes by when I don't access it at work or at home on my phone. If I'm not posting attendance, checking my e-mail, looking up a recipe on Pinterest, blogging away about my last race, looking up a word on my dictionary app, uploading my latest pictures on Facebook, or Tweeting a calm musing to the Twittersphere, I'll find myself looking around the room, staring at a huge, black screen that once displayed mind-captivating pictures. Sometimes, I'll catch myself glancing at a shelf in the dining room that holds these rectangular-like objects I used to read. I think they're called books. Better yet, if I'm really lost, I'll find myself staring at my piano, the dog's leash, that beautiful casserole dish, or my old tennis racket and say, "Hmm...those could probably get a little more use."

I have to confess. I want to be the best wife, the best housekeeper, the best English teacher, the best Sunday school teacher, the best daughter, sister, and friend, the avid reader, the consistent piano player, the clear and steady singer, the keenest home decorator, the punctual, the smart, the pretty, the thin, the strong, the happy...the best I can be in everything. In short, I want to be superwoman, and over time, I've begun to understand that in order to accomplish all of this, I would have to neglect some things I used to really enjoy doing. But where do we draw the line? How can we stay connected when we're trying so hard to be our bests? Well, it's possible if you let social networking fill in the gaps and play the game for you.

And that's when I started scratching my head...


What exactly is a social life these days, and do I have one? Do I want one? Better yet, is social networking an impostor for one?

As with most people these days, the more I'm involved with social networking, the more connected I feel to the world without actually being a part of the world. Whereas some people might move colleges, neighborhoods, or churches to feel more connected, others might move to other cities, states, or even countries to find that lost link of unity. For most of us, however, we find that we can safely thrive in the instantaneous connections social networking provides us without even having to book a flight or list a house. We're all guilty of this. In a world that places typing over writing, texts over letters, blogs over diaries and journals, Angry Birds over board games, and online search engines over libraries, it's hard not to fall into the trap of the "microwave lifestyle." I don't know about you, but I've almost Twittered, Facebooked, pinned, and blogged myself into a virtual frenzy--all while in my pajamas. I rarely see my good friend who lives only an hour or so away, and my visits with my family have almost become nonexistent. And for the record, randomly writing on someone's wall or occasionally commenting on a Facebook picture does not qualify as quality time together.

The problem...

Most of us who have led the majority of our lives without social networking are simply playing around with these programs because we see them as new and different.  Between work and family, it's difficult to find time to break away from the daily grind; as a result, we often feel as if our lives are bound to our jobs and to our homes. Social networking provides an outlet for us to have the most convenient social lives ever imaginable. We can cook breakfast, wash clothes, and give the kids a bath all while uploading pictures from our latest vacation. We can be at work, in a car, at a ballgame, getting our hair cut, shopping for groceries...we can be anywhere and find out what our neighbor down the street is planning on having for supper or what our friend's sister's cousin's daughter wore to the prom. But these kids? When I look at my high-school students today, I see that they do not know a life without these things. This is their world.

As if figuring out who you are in your teenage years isn't hard enough, kids now not only have to worry about measuring up in their physical worlds; they have to compete virtually, as well. No longer is there only one identity to seek out and attempt to perfect; there are two. Our virtual identities, (I say our because all social networkers--not just kids and teens--have one) are extremely enticing to us because we feel that we have a better grasp on them and can manipulate them to portray the image we want others to see. We upload our best pictures and post statuses that make us seem like we are happy and have everything under control. We can all admit that we have often felt split between two worlds.

The area where I've seen teens struggle the most, however, is in their actual social skills, and I'm not merely pointing this out because I'm an English teacher who cringes when she sees "IDK" in an answer blank. First, tweeting and posting on walls gives teens a chance to say things they probably wouldn't say face-to-face because their limitations have been numbed by impulsiveness. As a result, when they get to school the next day, it's mayhem. Secondly, how can we teach teens that it's not "all about them" when social networking reinforces this idea each and every day? Moreover, if a relationship hasn't been validated by Facebook, it's obviously not official. Right? High school is dramatic enough. Why encourage the creation of a channel for it to flow even more freely than it ever has before? All of us have these questions, but we really don't know how to take the first step.

My challenge...

Taking all of this into consideration, I decided to engage some of my willing students (including myself) in a little competition to see if they could last a week without accessing a social network. One of my students dubbed it "The Triple 'F' Challenge" (Free From Facebook). All participants signed an honor code promising to abstain from Facebook, Twitter, and all things in between, and I asked them to write a daily journal before they went to bed explaining how they spent their time differently. You would be surprised as to what they said. Most explained how they got more sleep and felt better the following day. Others mentioned having a clearer head without having the Facebook news feed constantly reeling in their minds. What struck me the most, however, were those who mentioned reading their Bibles more and spending more time with their families. One girl even proceeded to say that she spent one of her Facebook-free evenings watching an episode of The Waltons with her mom and dad. (And if you happen to not know what The Waltons is, it's a family-friendly television show set in the World War II era that focuses on the struggles and hardships a loving, working-class family has to endure.)

I didn't expect my students to delete their accounts; I simply wanted to test their willpower and show other ways in which their time could be used. Honestly, I think we accomplished something great, and I think they learned a great deal about moderation and living a simpler, more easy-going life.

Life before we knew too much...

I often think life would be simpler if we lived like they did in The Waltons. Of course, I know the difference between fact and fiction, but the show is so similar to the stories I've heard my own grandparents tell about their own lives; it's hard not to respect the show and take it seriously. See, the Walton children were brought up on hard work and discipline. They had the opportunity to experience life, death, and the beauty of all that goes on in between those two extremes without Facebook or Twitter. I realize life was hard back then, but people also dealt with those hardships differently. They saw beauty and a lesson in everything, and they handled life's up's and down's as a family. If we could only attempt to make a place for this mentality in our own lives, we would be sharper, more considerate, more level headed, more appreciative of the little things, and more in tune with our families. I'm not a mother yet, but I am a teacher. Even though I'm not always perfect at this, one of my primary goals is to model moderation with the things we so often deem as necessities in today's culture--social networking being one of them. It might not be the answer, but it's a step in the right direction.

The ultimate challenge...

Social networking has its advantages, but when it becomes a chore, a bothersome nuisance we feel as if we have to use in order to feel as if we're a part of this bustling, burgeoning world, or something that comes in between us and our families, we might need to step back, reevaluate, and reconsider why we use it. I've heard students and adults alike say, "People might not think I have anything to do or that my life isn't as exciting as theirs." I've also heard, "Someone might think something is wrong with me if I don't continuously post about my life."

If social networking has become burdensome, tedious, meticulous, and annoying, take a break from and it and see how you feel. This same concept is applicable for anything that consumes our complete attention and takes the joy out of living.

It's all about balance.

Finally, social networking has been going on for ages. The Romans had their bathrooms, the aristocrats had their parlors and balls, and our grandmothers had (and still have) their salons. It's not a knew concept. It becomes a problem, however, when it takes us away from our faith and from our families. Will I delete my social networking accounts? As of right now, probably not. Will I eventually? Maybe. What I do know is that I will monitor why and when I use them a little more closely than I have before.

We could probably learn a lot from those Waltons kids or even our own grandparents, for that matter. Somehow, they managed to make it through life without knowing everybody's business, and keeping their own issues to themselves was a matter of dignity and pride. They had the time to truly connect with each other. You know, I suppose we could go so far as to say that the children of these types of families were pioneers in the world of social networking.

And I bet they would've called the first social networks families

The Power of Journaling (Featured on Finding Balance)

"The act of putting pen to paper encourages pause for thought, this in turn makes us think more deeply about life, which helps us regain our equilibrium." ~Norbet Platt
                                                                                                                    
I have written in a journal since elementary school.  Most of my journals document my battle with my eating issues, but between bouts of confusion and doubt, I mention the simple, daily goings-on that God chose to let me experience and live out. Believe it or not, these little sections within my journals are my most precious pieces of writing. Now, I can read between the lines and learn that God was wielding all of my experiences together to create what I call my beautiful (yet somewhat crazy) life. 

Journaling can be a wonderful resource in our lives for three really good reasons: First, writing down all of life's up's and down's keeps us in tune with our growing identities. Sometimes, it's hard for us to expose our thoughts and emotions to even our closest of companions and friends, and sometimes, it's hard for us to admit the truth about what we're scared of or what we really want out of life. Journaling gives us an outlet to discover and explore the things about ourselves that we're scared to acknowledge. Once we spell it out on paper plainly and simply, it becomes official and valid, and by doing this, it becomes easier to deal with.


Secondly, journaling lets us remember. There's nothing like sitting down and remembering the events that marked a graduation, your wedding day, a birth. Likewise, reflecting on a milestone in the midst of our recoveries can help us get back on track if we hit a bump on the road...and those are bound to happen. Plus, even through some of my darkest times, I can look back in my journals and see that some pretty amazing things happened within that period of time. Often, I'll read things that make me say, "Wow. I almost missed that. If I wouldn't have been so concerned with _______, I could've appreciated it more." These instances can humble us and bring us to realize that life is what's going on while we're sitting around planning on how to change everything and attempting to make our lives better. 

Finally, how many of us have lain in bed at night with a thousand things on our minds, wondering how we will ever handle them all? When we write down our stresses, our rants, our worries, and our fears, we're laying them down and giving them to God; we're simply following through on our part of God's promise. He promised that we could rest our cares in Him, and doing just that can reassure us that God is listening and waiting to help us with each and every one of our problems. Psalms 55:22 says, Cast your burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain you: he shall never permit the righteous to be moved. This verse proves that God will never leave us with something we can't handle if we give it all to Him. 


I'm not always thorough with my journaling; sometimes I find myself going days, weeks, and sometimes even months without writing a single entry. But I always find myself going back, and I always pick up right where I left off. Even though our lives can take us all over the place--psychologically and physically--our journals are steady and true. They're always waiting to listen.

His Will, Not Mine (Featured on Finding Balance)

When I first started college in 2004, I was eager to help girls with their eating and weight issues, so going into the nutrition field seemed to be the area in which to pursue. I had already been down that road and was still shakily teetering on the bridge between recovery and affliction. God had other plans for me, however.

In near fatal situations, most people say they see their lives flash before them. I, on the other hand, saw my future...a future I might possibly never get to experience. On October 10, 2004, I had a life-altering car accident. No, I wasn't physically altered, but I took on a change that would forever alter the way I saw myself, my world, and my future. At first, this change wasn't accepted. I did everything in my heart to do what I had originally wanted to do, thinking my plans had first priority. However, after my car accident, God revealed to me that He wanted me to live a life almost the opposite of what I wanted. A teacher? Really?  Is that what you want from me, God?  Being a teacher was not for me. I couldn't wait to get out of high school, so why on earth would I want to go back? It didn't make any sense! And what about this lingering eating problem? How am I going to get rid of it?

From college up until I had been married for a couple of years, I always felt that I was just shy of fully grasping the concept of what God was trying to do in my life. My life was a huge question mark because I couldn't make sense of the past, and the future scared me to death. Sometimes I fought God's plan like a baby fights sleep; even so, just like a calm comes over a sleeping child, a peace rested on my heart when I slowly began to make those changes God had wanted to see. All along God had been preparing me for a life I couldn't even imagine, and only recently have I begun to fully see why God chose me to do what I do. I have the opportunity to positively influence more people each day as a teacher than I would in an entire year with some other careers. It's a huge feat, but God knows what He is doing. He always does. And my eating problems? God showed me that I couldn't help others until I had helped myself first, and that if I wanted to be an influence, I was going to have to step up to the plate and take responsibility for my health.

It goes without saying that if God has you plugged into a life you don't quite understand yet, do not give up. Your primary goals may revolve around your eating and weight issues, but His plans are supreme. They can interweave into your needs and desires--even your career goals--without you even knowing it. There's always a bigger picture. His plans and yours might not make any sense at this moment, but when everything comes together, you will know why it was all worth the wait.

Sweet Forgiveness (Featured on Finding Balance)

I can remember trying to explain to my loved ones that my biggest desire in life was to be normal. I had forgotten what it was like to eat something without knowing its complete nutritional makeup, and I had forgotten what it was like to be active just for the sake of fun. I simply knew too much; I was too aware. Deep within my heart I knew I'd never forget the way I had programmed my mind to compensate for my errors in life, and this is what scared me the most--not being able to forget.

For years I punished and blamed myself for a multitude of mistakes, mishaps, and misguided situations I directed and authored over the course of my adolescence. I silently imploded, and I used my eating and weight issues to handle the regret. I didn't feel as if I should be able to forget what I had done, the things I had said. I didn't feel worthy. My all-or-nothing mentality didn't help matters, either. If I'm going to do something, it's worth doing well, and it's worth doing right; otherwise, why try? My eating and weight issues were no exception. I flip-flopped from one extreme to the other, hoping that each new time I tried to get back on track (diet), I would glide down the yellow brick road to happiness with ease and grace. Year after year, however, I was proven wrong. I fought a losing battle because I couldn't let go. I couldn't get over my mistakes even though God had.

Eventually, the mental anguish and exhaustion took its toll on me. Although I didn't want to, I had to accept the reality of my situation. It was one of the hardest things I had ever done, but it worked. I saw that it was ludicrous to expect forgiveness from others if I couldn't forgive myself. In Ephesians 4:32, God advises us to forgive others just as He forgave us. This includes forgiving ourselves!

My journey to recovery didn't happen over night. There were times I thought I was on my way, and there were times I thought it would never happen. Little did I know, all of those relapses and bad days were being knitted together to form something pretty sturdy and strong. The rigid standards I had set for myself finally began to unravel, and being my own worst critic suddenly lost its zest. It was official. Being the person who treated me the worst, who talked to me the worst, and who downed me the most had finally lost its appeal. I should've known that God's time would make all the difference.

Before I could seek true forgiveness, a few things needed to be established.

1) I accepted that I'm not normal, and I'm not ever going to be normal. I'm better than normal.
2) I vowed that one day, I'd find a way to spread the word and inspire people to change for the better.
3) I elected to let go. Why hold onto the past? I had already freed myself from the people, the places, and the ideas that triggered me for entirely too long, so why was I still attaching my identity to them?
4) I promised to face my fears and break myself free from the ruts I had previously considered structured routines.

We should never under any circumstances let our pasts dictate our futures. God has already taken care of that! Our stories have already been written from a hand who knows and sees all things. God wants us to grow, and this can't happen if we're spiritually stuck in the past. When God forgives us, He gives us the release to forgive ourselves, so what should we fear?

The Blame Game (Featured on Finding Balance)

Why do I have this problem?

This simple sentence flooded my brain almost every day for eight years. I couldn't understand why I saw food differently than everyone else, why it had to be so paradoxical. I loved food so much that I hated it; it was as simple as that.

"Just eat." or "Just stop when you're full." Everyone around me seemed to know how to make it go away. It all seemed so simple to them, but my routines, my beliefs, my truths...I knew them just as the sun knows when and where to rise and set. It doesn't just go away.

Blame. It has to go somewhere, right? I wanted to blame everybody and everything. I needed a reason, and I needed to know why. Why was my mind so messed up, so tainted, so weak?

As a teenager, life seemed so permanent. My day to day life, the way I was treated, the things that I was good at/interested in/involved with...in my mind those were all fixed and would never change. My life was what I saw in the mirror that day. I was a number, a lipstick tube, a brand on a shirt, a "You're not fat; you're just big" from a peer. My identity, bent and twisted, only truly existed when I stripped myself of the makeup, the brand names, the fake friends, and the belittling of others to make myself feel better. It was down there somewhere underneath it all; I just had to find it. I knew that much.

Life's biggest questions revolve around reasons we don't have. We want to know why life isn't always fair and why we have to look, dress, and learn the way we do. We want someone or something to blame for how bad things are...for why we're grouped and classified the way we are or why things had to happen the way they did. Sadly, life doesn't always provide us with these reasons. That would be too easy, wouldn't it?

I've learned that nothing is easy when you're growing up. Between who our parents want us to be and who our friends think we should be, discovering our identities is a grueling, never-ending battle. Without that third factor--God's plan--living and existing in my life, I can't even consider where I would be today. That underlying hope that there was more...that God had a deeper plan...that God would never forsake me...that is what kept me believing. Proverbs 3:5 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." What peace comes from knowing that we don't have to have all the answers; God has them all in the palm of his hand!

God's truth supersedes all of our made-up truths, and with this fact, we have a reason to live a life of freedom, not blame!

New Resolutions

By now, most of our New Year's resolutions have crashed and burned. It happens to the best of us. We set out on a quest to lose weight and get into shape, thinking this year is going to be different. This year, we're going to make it happen. But somewhere along the way, we end up recognizing that our goals might have been a little too far-fetched, or maybe we end up throwing up our hands altogether because we feel defeated.

If we would all stop focusing entirely on losing weight, the extra weight we might be carrying around wouldn't seem so bad. This sounds like common sense, but when we are faced with today's media on a daily basis, it's hard not to think about it twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.

The weight loss industry is indeed one of the most lucrative industries in our country. According to Business Week, we spend 40 billion dollars on it annually. Imagine what we could do with this money! And no wonder! Commercials, internet advertisements, billboards, and magazine advertisements are flying at us like crazy, making us feel like something is wrong with us if we're NOT on a diet. Have you been in America right before January rolls around? It's impossible to walk into a store without it hitting us right in the face. Have you noticed how stores move all of their exercise equipment and athletic clothing close to the entrance so it will be the first thing we see? And have you recognized that at some stores, all the newest, we-promise-this-will-work-this-time weight-loss products are right at the front so we will walk directly by them, convincing ourselves in the process that we need them? It's scary! It's psychology!

No, it’s marketing!

The majority of the time, the media doesn't care if we are fit and healthy; they simply want our money. If these products and programs worked, these companies wouldn't need paid celebrities to endorse them, nor would they have to filter massive amounts of advertising through our televisions and magazines each and every day. Do you ever see commercials for good old-fashioned exercise and healthy eating? Seldom if ever. In today's advertising, companies simply show a picture of a size-negative-four supermodel who immediately causes us to question everything about ourselves. If it affects us, they've done what they set out to do. After we wallow in criticism for what seems like hours, we pound our fists on our tables and vow to make a change. The first thing that pops into our heads? I need something fast...a quick fix...something that will change me as soon as possible because obviously I'm not what I'm supposed to be. The next thing we know, we're riding home with that very product (and an empty wallet).

Wouldn't it be amazing if people across the county stood up and said, "We have had enough!"? Wouldn't it be great if we funneled our money into things that promoted a positive, healthy attitude about ourselves instead of pouring all the money we believe our insecurities are worth into a 40 billion dollar industry that's going nowhere?

Even though January 1st has come and gone, we can still make positive resolutions. Instead of buying the newest diet pill, shake, or bar...instead of buying that new workout machine that will eventually become a very complex looking clothes rack/dust collector, we could purchase some new hiking boots to scale a mountain, sign up for a race, or buy a new tent to go on a family camping trip. We could even join a kickboxing class, buy a canoe, or finally take off and go on that white-water rafting trip we've always wanted to take.

The year is still young, and there's plenty of time to get out there and discover all this world has to offer besides just another quick fix. Let's make our experiences last a lifetime. After all, life is all about relationships and memories, and to make these flourish and grow, sometimes we have to slow down, take the first step, realize there's more to life than weight, and resolve to start living happily...and a "quick fix" isn't going to get us there any faster.

Living the Dream (Featured on Finding Balance)

The day I realized that I wouldn't be able to maintain the way I was living without dying was the day I stopped dreaming and started living.

For years I created an image of what I believed was true happiness--my ultimate dream. It consisted of the one thing I felt I could control: my weight. (When you're a teenager, there's not much you can control.)

At one point in time, I thought weighing a certain amount or fitting into a certain sized pair of jeans was a dream I must achieve. I daydreamed about the glittering life I would lead if I had the confidence to hold my head up without hiding behind of fake facade. To be honest, it all looked amazing in my head, but somehow I knew it was a dream--not a goal. True goals are always achievable; dreams aren't.

Life is all about learning how to live out our dreams realistically.  Realizing that some of our dreams might not ever come to fruition can be a big step for us. It can help us to grow up and see our lives for what they truly are. It can also be, however, something that depresses us to the point of wanting to stop living altogether. Some people say we should never stop chasing our dreams because only they will make us truly happy. Others say that we should learn how to deal with our lives the way they are, live in the moment, and cherish what we've got. No wonder we feel like we're in a game of tug-of-war. We hear mixed messages every day! One of the hardest parts of life is realizing that this paradox--living in the moment vs. searching for our dreams--will perplex us until the day we die. The good news is that it doesn't have to control us.

These two ideas have to coexist for us to truly thrive in the way God wants us to.

Living our dreams realistically starts with setting small goals. When I began doing this, I started finding God in everything and happiness in the smallest of things. Plus, I started to see that setting goals and reaching them was me actually living the dream. That inner peace that comes along with accomplishment and knowing that you're doing something to better yourself was all I needed to give me the confidence to get on the right track. It turns out that it really wasn't the number on my dress tag, the amount of calories I had eaten that day, or the number that popped up on the scale. It was me doing something. It was me being the best I could be. It was me seeing that I could be successful without focusing on my appearance or weight. It was me finding that I'm worth a whole lot more than words out of someone else's mouth. You'll be surprised  how your self-confidence will skyrocket when you adopt this mentality!

Too often, we see past these daily victories. We refuse to see the beauty in the up's and down's of life and tend to focus only on an outcome we believe will make us happy. We all can admit to this. But living the dream is just that...living.  There has to be a perfect, healthy balance between accepting what we have been given and what we can actually get. Until then, we're searching for lost hope.

It's okay to have dreams; they simply need a little dose of reality to make them truly come alive.

The Necklace

I selected one of my favorite short stories to go over with my ninth graders today. Have you ever heard of Guy de Maupassant's "The Necklace?" It's a little punch of powerful if you want to know the truth. Set in France in the 1800s, it's centered around a middle-class woman who never thinks she is good enough or has enough. She whines constantly of having old home furnishings and having to make do with shabby clothes. She looks out the window, longing for a life filled with parties, riches, and other fine things. Well, one day, her husband comes home with an invitation to an aristocrat's party. You'd think she be elated, but no! She doesn't have a dress! She doesn't have any fine jewels!

She stomps her foot: "I'll look like a pauper: I'd almost rather not go to that party."

Her husband, out of pity, gives her his savings so she'll have a proper dress to wear, but that's still not good enough. She has to get some jewelry, of course! After pouting, her husband comes up with a great idea. She should borrow a necklace from one of her friends! Yes. That's a great idea. While sorting through her friend's jewelry box, she comes across a gorgeous, ornate diamond necklace hidden in the back. She selects it and wears it proudly to the party. Every man wants to waltz with her, and her beauty is commended by men and women alike. Everything is just as she wants it--a night to remember for sure! However, when she gets home, the necklace is missing. It's gone! She and her husband search everywhere, never finding the necklace. Her husband then proceeds to borrow and sign away his life to pay for a replacement necklace.
For ten years, they fight to pay off the necklace. She learns what it means to work hard, and in the process, she becomes bitter, cold, and aged. One sunny day while out walking, she encounters her friend. Her friend ends up telling her the necklace was a fake!

How many times have we stared out our own windows, yearning for a life outside our means? Outside of our realities? And how many times have we gotten a taste of that life only to realize shortly after that we were happy with what we had? Sadly, this happens to ninety-nine percent of us. We work and work and work to create a life we think we want, but what's not real can never last. Falsities and artificiality can only make us happy temporarily. By the end of the story, the main character could only dream of going back to the simple little life she once led with her husband. She wished away her happiness with fake dreams and unrealistic desires.

Even in the 1800s, people dealt with the same issues we deal with today. Why are we always wanting more? There's nothing wrong with wanting a better life, but money, clothes, beauty, and jewels won't get us respect, and it won't get us love. True happiness can't be found until we've learned how to respect and love ourselves. Let's all pledge to focus more on the little things: God's peace, family, a sunny day, a hot cup of coffee, the smell of fresh laundry, a baby's laugh. All of these things matter in their small little ways! They're God's hidden gifts!

More Is More (Featured on Finding Balance)

Why is the idea of attractiveness so skewed?

I've been hearing a great deal about the unveiling of Sports Illustrated's new swimsuit cover for about a month now. I've seen coverage on Twitter, Facebook, Yahoo, and the daily news. Yes, everyone, this is news if you didn't know it already. There may be wars, earthquakes, starving people all over the world, but this, my friends, is what the people want to see.

SI has always hailed itself as a magazine who advocates the true beauty of a woman. Real women? Really? Even if the models they use in their swimsuit editions aren't near the brink of starvation, the message still exists. Less is more. Less weight, less clothing, less wrinkles, less gray hair, less scars, less dark circles, less freckles, less...reality.

Why does beauty have to be so unrealistic? Why can't it exist in the flaws and quirks that make us unique and individualistic? It seems that nowadays every type of "different" is accepted besides a women's beauty. Just when you think you see some progress, something like a magazine cover brings you back into actuality.

When I finally did see the much anticipated cover of this magazine, I was flabbergasted. It looks more like what I'd imagine a cover of Playboy to look like. The model has on less fabric than what can be found on my key chain, and she's 19! What kind of message is this sending our young girls who are so conflicted with the media's idea of beauty? Why can't the media praise successful, beautiful women for their accomplishments and by the honorable way they carry themselves in a "less is more" world--not by their clothing, makeup, money, age, or weight?

Real beauty is a process of discovery and renewal that deserves to be praised. It took me a long time to get where I am today because my idea of beauty got a little tangled up with the word respect. Somehow those two words became interchangeable to me. My mentality was "If I'm thin and pretty, I'll be respected." Most of the time, it's not the fact that we want to change ourselves; it's that we want others to change. We want others to see us differently, and we want them to treat us differently. Because when they don't, something is obviously wrong with us, right? Our logic is apparently distorted, and the media isn't making it any better.

Only when I learned that respect comes from how I respect myself did I learn what true beauty is. Respect comes from finding confidence through what we say and do. I had to work for this realization. How can you respect yourself when it seems like you're the complete opposite of what the world sees as beautiful? That's just it: Respect has nothing to do with the world's idea of beauty! Respect takes discipline. It means that we have to take on the responsibility of representing what God sees in us each and every day we live. And God must see something pretty awesome because we have all been given this wonderful blessing called life.

A great deal of prayer, a lot of avoiding the magazine racks at the grocery store, and a lot of journaling allowed me to grow tired of waiting on myself to accept who I am. I grew tired of wanting to change. This truth has brought me freedom in so many capacities, and I've never felt more confident. Sometimes, less isn't more. More is. We shouldn't have to limit ourselves and our potential for success, and we shouldn't have to hide behind a mask of artificiality because we think we will find respect that way. We deserve more to live for, more to die for, more to cherish, more to enjoy, more to become....more to love. And love is pretty important; it's the greatest commandment of all! See, more is more.

The Line Between Selfishness and Selflessness

In the movies, it always seems as if the main character is always trying to prove himself to his counterparts or those in authority over him. He wants to show them that he has what it takes to succeed and make a difference. He wants people to see what he's got...what he's capable of. He's proud of his accomplishments, and he wants the world to feel the same way. We all fall in love with this kind of story because we can all relate to it.

Who's to say this couldn't be our story?

It very well could be, but sometimes, we of all people stand in our own paths, allowing negative self-talk and self-doubt to block our potential from propelling us forward.

I think one of my gifts in life is having the ability to encourage people to see their own potential. I thoroughly enjoy seeing people feel empowered to do something they might not have ever thought they could do. In all honestly, I probably feel this way so strongly because I can remember feeling stagnant for a great period of my life, whether it was in my relationship with God, my family, or in my self-belief. Then there were those recurring thoughts swimming around in my head that plagued me for years (and still do sometimes).

"Don't they remember how weak you used to be? How needy? They must see right through you and your priorities, your motives. You're not fooling anybody."

"Don't let their words go to your head. It's not you who is actually doing something worth noticing. It's not the real you, anyway. Everyone knows the real you."

"Everyone probably thinks you're doing what you're doing because you need their approval--not because you really have it within you."

Ouch. Negative self-talk? I believe that's it at its best. This thinking is a mental trap that I've fallen into too many times to count. We all have! But where is the line between selfishness and selflessness?

When I subconsciously belittle myself in front of other people, I'm only festering those wounds that used to destroy me. Some people call this modesty and humility, but when guilt and doubt factor into the equation, we have something entirely different altogether.

I've learned over the years of healing and recovery that it's not awful to care deeply for others. In fact, that's what the Bible instructs us to do. When we never feel good enough to accept that we are worthy is when we should start worrying. God wants us to set goals and do what we love. He wants us to seek out and find what he has in store for us, and we should never--ever--feel like his plan isn't good enough to be recognized. As long as we're sincerely searching for his plan, nothing should make us feel ashamed of what we've been allowed to see and accomplish in this life.

There's nothing wrong with feeling proud and empowered by something we have done. Humility and modesty is knowing when to put a cap on it, and that's the line between selfishness and selflessness.

Labels

Five more days until I run my first (and last?) marathon.

So far, this has been an extremely bizarre week. I had these preconceptions about how I'd be feeling right about now. I figured I'd be floating on cloud nine...feeling optimistic and free...knowing I had done everything right and that I was going to soar across the finish line feeling like a bird in the breeze. Whoa. Was I wrong.

My nerves are shot. 

Aren't you supposed to lose weight when you run?

My foot HURTS.

Emotional? Sniff. Sniff. You think I'm emotional?

It all comes down to this: Who in the world am I, and what are my motives in everything I do? 

Sometimes I think about what in the world drove me to do this. Running started out being a way to unwind and exercise. You know...the whole set some goals and get off the couch technique. Now, it has turned into what and who I am. Coming from the low places I've been in my life, this might not seem like such a bad thing, but when you realize you're replacing one label with another, it can kind of make you sit and think. And sometimes, ladies and gentlemen, thinking is good.

So often I see my teenage students struggling with labels, whether it's a label from an extracurricular activity they're involved in or a label from a particular article of clothing they're wearing. Sometimes their boyfriends/girlfriends are their labels. They want it to be right, whatever it is. They want to belong, and labels allow them to do this. It's funny how they designate each other into their own little groups when all they all want is to be accepted and loved. What's not funny is how this burden of a mentality can follow and haunt us even after we've left the halls of our high schools; hence, today's post. 

Will I be satisfied when I've run this pinnacle of a race, or will I still be searching? Will I be content with being labeled a marathoner, or will I still need another label to plaster across my forehead as if everyone can see it? (As if anyone even cares...) Or will I give up on labels altogether? Ding ding ding. I hope it's the last one.

I want to believe that there's a difference in searching for our identities and searching for ways to better ourselves. Sometimes, however, we can confuse these two processes. Accepting the truth is a step in the right direction, and I know this to be true for myself. It's always been a struggle of mine. Nevertheless, one thing I know is that it's getting better, and sometimes, improvement is all a person needs to keep on keepin' on. 

Whatever you do, make sure God's behind it. Our plans for ourselves are never as awesome as his. Mine have usually turned out to be flops, but his? His make so much sense after I've quit trying to get my two cents in.

Note to self, huh?

Identity Theft: Don't Become a Victim! (Featured on Finding Balance)

As I was driving home from work today, I had an epiphany. I'm slowly falling victim to identity theft once again. No, not that kind of identity theft. The identity theft where you start to lose who you truly are--the "you" God created to an identity you have created.

I'll be honest, when I started running and training for a marathon, I thought I was pretty awesome. I felt as if I was doing something worth being respected because not many people can say that they had the discipline and preseverance to train for all twenty-six point two miles. For the first time, I was attaching myself to something other than my disordered eating that deserved attention, and I was proud of myself.

Here I am, six days from my race, and I'm searching...searching for the gratification, the self-worth, the success, the feeling of accomplishment that I expected to feel, and I can't find it.

So many times, we search in every place but the right place to find our identities. To feel approval and acceptance, we alter what we see in the mirror to fit an idea in our heads. We hang onto every word people say, thinking their opinions of us are more superior than God's loving, nurturing acceptance. We buy that new car, new house, that new pair of shoes. We run that marathon...all in the name of identity. Some people fall into traps like drug abuse, alcoholism, or eating disorders to feel like they belong...like they can control something. Ironically, the moments in our lives when we think we are the most in control are the times when we are usually the farthest from God and his divine will for us.

Our issues are at their peaks when we realize our identities are not our own. Most people call this "rock bottom." Until we realize that no one but God can repair the damage that has been caused from losing our souls to a nameless identity, we will never know who we are. Nothing else will work. God is simply waiting on us to open that door where we can invite him in and be used for his purpose.

My life with disordered eating has changed greatly. With every single day that passes, I'm given the opportunity to see more of what God has created me to do and be; however, it seems that I will always want that sense of acceptance and approval. It's simply natural to want to be loved and accepted. Our concern should be that the desire we have is fixated on God and his will for our lives. In no other capacity will we flourish in the way He wants us to...the way that will bring us true happiness.

2 Corinthians 1:21-22 states, "Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come." (NIV) Isn't it amazing knowing that God's plan for us is out there waiting for us? Isn't it awesome knowing that we wouldn't be here unless He had a purpose for our lives? It's a comforting notion that we can rest in his protective, loving acceptance and know that our search for identity is over. When I look into the mirror, I want to see Him. When I surround myself with people, I want to hear about Him. When I begin in with negative self-talk, I want to hear his Word. I want my identity to be found in Him and nothing more.

I want to encourage all of you to join along with me on this journey of identity. The road might be bumpy from time to time, but when our hearts and minds are set on Him, we will succeed. Galations 6:9 says, "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." (NIV) God's door of acceptance is always open; all we need to do is open it and begin to see ourselves in a whole new way!