Sweet Forgiveness (Featured on Finding Balance)

I can remember trying to explain to my loved ones that my biggest desire in life was to be normal. I had forgotten what it was like to eat something without knowing its complete nutritional makeup, and I had forgotten what it was like to be active just for the sake of fun. I simply knew too much; I was too aware. Deep within my heart I knew I'd never forget the way I had programmed my mind to compensate for my errors in life, and this is what scared me the most--not being able to forget.

For years I punished and blamed myself for a multitude of mistakes, mishaps, and misguided situations I directed and authored over the course of my adolescence. I silently imploded, and I used my eating and weight issues to handle the regret. I didn't feel as if I should be able to forget what I had done, the things I had said. I didn't feel worthy. My all-or-nothing mentality didn't help matters, either. If I'm going to do something, it's worth doing well, and it's worth doing right; otherwise, why try? My eating and weight issues were no exception. I flip-flopped from one extreme to the other, hoping that each new time I tried to get back on track (diet), I would glide down the yellow brick road to happiness with ease and grace. Year after year, however, I was proven wrong. I fought a losing battle because I couldn't let go. I couldn't get over my mistakes even though God had.

Eventually, the mental anguish and exhaustion took its toll on me. Although I didn't want to, I had to accept the reality of my situation. It was one of the hardest things I had ever done, but it worked. I saw that it was ludicrous to expect forgiveness from others if I couldn't forgive myself. In Ephesians 4:32, God advises us to forgive others just as He forgave us. This includes forgiving ourselves!

My journey to recovery didn't happen over night. There were times I thought I was on my way, and there were times I thought it would never happen. Little did I know, all of those relapses and bad days were being knitted together to form something pretty sturdy and strong. The rigid standards I had set for myself finally began to unravel, and being my own worst critic suddenly lost its zest. It was official. Being the person who treated me the worst, who talked to me the worst, and who downed me the most had finally lost its appeal. I should've known that God's time would make all the difference.

Before I could seek true forgiveness, a few things needed to be established.

1) I accepted that I'm not normal, and I'm not ever going to be normal. I'm better than normal.
2) I vowed that one day, I'd find a way to spread the word and inspire people to change for the better.
3) I elected to let go. Why hold onto the past? I had already freed myself from the people, the places, and the ideas that triggered me for entirely too long, so why was I still attaching my identity to them?
4) I promised to face my fears and break myself free from the ruts I had previously considered structured routines.

We should never under any circumstances let our pasts dictate our futures. God has already taken care of that! Our stories have already been written from a hand who knows and sees all things. God wants us to grow, and this can't happen if we're spiritually stuck in the past. When God forgives us, He gives us the release to forgive ourselves, so what should we fear?